When we first got a teaser for Pixar’s latest, Onward, it seemed like a light, family-friendly adventure take on the joyless Bright—high-fantasy-meets-suburbia with a mismatched pair driving around in a van. But, holy shit, it’s actually something far more weirdly disturbing.
It was revealed early on that the film would give the MCU’s orphaned Peters (Tom Holland and Chris Pratt) another dead parent to worry about, with a plot involving the two “on a quest to discover if there is still magic in the world in order to spend one day with their father.”
Who could have guessed that meant using a spell to revive their dead dad’s dick but nothing above the waist?
Yes, that is the honest-to-god plot of this thing. And it looks less like a Pixar classic than it does DreamWorks’ Warcraft at Bernie’s.
Anyway, if you want to sit through a couple hours of staring at Pratt Shrek’s scant, strangely detailed chin stubble, you can see it on the big screen March 6.