Shrek and his fancy cat are getting rebooted

Yes, you’ve read correctly: the Scottish monster from Hell will be reborn in a horrific new form, once again scouring Earth for an all-star to regurgitate its green sin into. Variety reports that Universal Pictures is planning a reboot of Shrek, so that a new generation may consume it like the minstrel donkey gobbles its cursed waffles. Illumination Entertainment’s Chris Meledandri is reportedly developing the reboot, playing God to this Frankenstein of glaucous re-animation. Puss in Boots, Shrek’s companion tale of the dandy feline everyone wants to fuck, is said to also be lined up for a reboot.

Yet, just as he can’t stop the tormented screams that echo in his painfully claustrophobic braincase, Shrek cannot change the voice that comes from between his crumbling slab-teeth. He and Mike Myers’ borderline offensive Scottish accent are one, a creature born of Lucifer and a Billy Connolly stand-up special; a viridescent Venom, symbiotic, the music of Smash Mouth smashing voice to mouth in a hellishly inseparable fusion. Thusly, Meledandri says he hopes to keep the original voice cast, catching Eddie Murphy and Antonio Banderas in the collateral damage of this quite literal monstrosity.

“When you look back on those vocal performances, they’re awesome, and while you certainly could make a case for a complete reinvention, I find myself responding to my own nostalgic feelings of wanting to go back to those characterizations,” Meledandri said of getting Myers, Murphy, and Banderas back. “The challenge for us has been to find something that really does feel like it’s not simply yet another film in a series of sequels.”

Though, to request maybe one reinvention: what if those lead characters don’t have to look like a burlap, LSD-fueled nightmare of the Irish flag?

Please help these sad nobodies and: