Sonic director vows to make the man-hedgehog less revolting

It’s not news the upcoming Sonic the Hedgehog movie’s rendition of its title character is an affront to God, an abomination whose cries for death are drowned out by the voice of Ben Schwartz.

From the first peek at his silhouette, his man-calves rippling with furry muscle and our own churning stomachs, to the leaked promo shots of Sonic and his “brand personality,” this new look has not been looked at kindly by the eyes of the internet nor any merciful Lord.

But director Jeff Fowler apparently saw all that early, vocal criticism as sort of a “just wait until to see him in motion, sensually stretching his toddler-like body” moment. He held back until the first trailer hit.

Now that it has, and it feels like Sega’s 16-bit revolution was against sanity itself, Fowler is finally chiming in on the Circles of Hell contained within Sonic’s rings. And he’s promising to fix it all.

“Thank you for the support,” he tweeted yesterday evening, assumedly sarcastically. “And the criticism. The message is loud and clear… you aren’t happy with the design & you want changes. It’s going to happen. Everyone at Paramount & Sega are fully committed to making this character the BEST he can be…”

So, good news: thanks to our joking about this thing that’s going to be a piece of shit regardless, now animators will be working overtime to stare into this wretched beast’s inappropriately bisected eyes in the hopes of saving a creature that clearly just needs to be put down.

At least some of Hollywood is listening, though. Not like Warner Bros., who have yet to respond to the vocal outcry that Detective Pikachu doesn’t have a human penis.

Please help these sad nobodies and: