Sonic the Hedgehog delayed until we can force Sonic back into Hell

As was revealed earlier this month, Sonic the Hedgehog’s title hero is getting an overhaul following vocal outcry/shrieking over his appearance. But inserting a new Sonic design into the film is going to take a lot of visual effects work. And, of course, the old Sonic must be returned the tooth-lined Stygian pit he emerged from. Hitting the film’s November release would have forced the animators on the project to work insane hours. Nearly as insane: the sound the old Sonic makes every time he’s dragged near that seemingly bottomless depth as inky-black as his soulless eyes; his agonized squeal foregrounding the rising chatter of thousands of teeth.

Sonic’s muscular boy-legs climbed him out of there, and he can’t go back. He won’t go back.

But director Jeff Fowler must have some idea in whatever’s left of his mind, because he’s set a new date for when he thinks he can refurbish his film and return the old Sonic to the well that must be either his grave or eternity, if not both. According to Fowler, Sonic the Hedgehog is now scheduled to hit screens February 14, 2020; a Valentine’s Day we can only pray will see God love us again and forgive us for freeing his fallen hedgehog from Hell.

Please help these sad nobodies and: