In their Nintendo Direct livestream Thursday, Nintendo officially announced the cast of its upcoming animated feature adaptation of Mario Bros. In a surprise to no one, yes, Chris Pratt will be the voice of Mario. Of course Chris Pratt will be the voice of Mario!
“He’s so cool,” Mario creator Shigeru Miyamoto said, adding, “Mario will be talking a lot in the movie.” Again, barely noteworthy, because Mario is of course known for being incredibly cool and verbose. Those are his two main things. Being a stout little Italian guy is like fifth down the list of what Mario is. He is mainly very cool and notably chatty. That’s a’Mario.
Charlie Day, known for his screeched shouting and naivete on the long-running It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, will co-star as—you guessed it—apparently not Toad. He’s obviously Luigi, who Miyamoto labeled Mario’s “timid sibling.” Really embarrassed the guy in front of a lot of eyes.
Princess Peach? Anya Taylor-Joy. Again, this is not live-action, but it’s her nonetheless. Why not?
Bowser will be voiced by Jack Black, Keegan-Michael Key will voice Toad, and Seth Rogen will be Donkey Kong. Okay?
“We also have more incredible talent joining the film to play some of other beloved characters,” Miyamoto said, before revealing some Nintendo deep cuts absolutely no one has ever considered beloved. Actual voice actor Kevin Michael Richardson will play Kamek, the bespectacled Koopa magician who shoots magic shapes out of his wand; Fred Armisen will play Cranky Kong, Donkey’s elderly grandfather; And comedian Sebastian Maniscalco will play the iconic Spike. You know, Spike. Mario and Luigi’s foreman in 1985’s Wrecking Crew. He’s your favorite.
Smash Bros., Mario Kart, and all the Mario sports outings combined have never touched on Kamek, Cranky Kong, nor the beloved SPIKE, but these are all essential characters in the movie.
Wario? Waluigi? Birdo, even? Not mentioned! They are inessential. That screentime is reserved for Spike, your favorite.