Dwayne Johnson and Amazon are making a terribly cynical Santa action-adventure-comedy


The wretchedly cynical capitalism surrounding Christmas is about to grow even bigger. Like, Dwayne Johnson-size.

Johnson and his Seven Bucks Productions have reportedly made a deal with Amazon for Red One, described by Amazon as “a globe-trotting, four-quadrant action-adventure comedy, imagining a whole new universe to explore within the holiday genre.” Just as market research data suggests audiences are looking for!

But the yuletide soullessness gets worse.

While Amazon hasn’t offered up Red One’s plot, they are promising “the possibility of branding and business opportunities not just for the streaming side of Amazon but the e-commerce side as well.” It’s like Tooth Fairy, but now they’re gonna sell the teeth with one-day shipping. And who better to sell them than a beaming Dwayne Johnson?

Chris Morgan, who wrote every Fast from Tokyo Drift to Hobbs & Shaw, will script what several sources have described as a “Santa-centric” film. Like they can’t just come out and say that Johnson plays a fighter pilot who accidentally shoots down Santa and has to take over delivery duties. We have to anxiously wait to see the gift awaiting us in our Amazon e-commerce carts.

Please help these sad nobodies and: