Sure, Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio looked great in its first trailer. It featured gorgeous stop-motion animation. It showcased a fantastic cast that included Ewan McGregor, Ron Perlman, Cate Blanchett, Christoph Waltz, and Tilda Swinton. The cricket looked like an actual insect instead of a weird, Dickensian alien.
But was there an inexplicably sexy goldfish?
Sadly, there was not.
So here’s Disney and Robert Zemeckis to sort that out with their Pinocchio. Check out the trailer!
Ostensibly the latest entry to Disney’s growing list of live-action remakes of animated classics, the film is actually pretty much just another gross cartoon in the Zemeckis tradition of The Polar Express and Beowulf. There’s a living person every so often, but it’s mostly just some shit CGI resting deep in an uncanny valley of looking neither real enough to be real nor stylized enough to be interesting. But damn is that goldfish hot!
Yes, in completely carrying over their 1940 take on the story, Disney has given Geppetto a fish housed in a tiny bowl and trying to flirt her way out with her pouty, wanting lips and some real “fuck me” eyes. You’ve heard of being coquettish; well, she’s coquett-fish! A truly deranged addition to an already-insane tale of an old man wishing a young boy into his home. There’s basically nothing more bonkers you can add to the story of a marionette doll that gains sentience, meets a hustling furry, has a nose that grows when he lies, and partially transforms into a donkey than “a goldfish that it’s not like you’d necessarily fuck but you have to admit is the most fuckable fish you’ve ever seen—sort of a Gremlins 2 thing where it’s not like you’re attracted to the lady-gremlin but you get how, if you were a gremlin, she would definitely be the belle of the ball.”
Well, here it is! Here’s that hot fish, compliments of Walt Disney—may he freeze in peace.
This umpteenth Pinocchio adaptation but only the second to have this fish you’d love to set The Incredible Mr. Limpet up with hits Disney+ September 8.