Mario’s getting weird: Chris Pratt promises his Mario is “unlike anything you’ve heard”

Good news for everyone wishing for Mario to have a voice that is not only unfamiliar but completely new to the realm of the Mushroom Kingdom: Chris Pratt’s Mario will speak with a sound never before uttered by man nor beast.

“It is updated and unlike anything you’ve heard in the Mario world before,” Pratt said of Mario’s newly-invented eldritch timbre, a maddening tone that will leave Princess Peach’s face frozen in a silent shriek. “I worked really closely with the directors and trying out a few things and landed on something that I’m really proud of and can’t wait for people to see and hear.”

Yes, in case you missed that, you will not just hear but see Chris Pratt’s Mario voice—even if its indelible Lovecraftian image can never fully be described by even our greatest poets.

And Chris Pratt’s Garfield? His voice will come out in a tongue we will not understand linguistically but, in unison, will drop us to our knees as we scornfully pray to the anti-Sabbaths that are Mondays.

Please help these sad nobodies and: