Road House is getting remade—but be nice; it’s a job; it’s nothing personal

As if Patrick Swayze’s ass could ever be replaced, MGM is back on about foolishly remaking their perfect cult classic Road House. The studio already started development on this absolutely needless project back in 2013, with Alex Cross and xXx‘s Rob Cohen set to direct. He has since been torn out like a throat, and according to Deadline, now Doug Liman will direct. Jake Gyllenhaal is in talks to star—as if that guy knows anything about the complicated business of backwoods bar security.

The original film is a B-movie of the highest order, directed by the perfectly-named Rowdy Herrington and starring Swayze as a philosophy-major, throat-rippin’ bouncer named Dalton. Kelly Lynch co-starred as a sexy doctor cleverly nicknamed “Doc,” with Sam Elliott as Swayze’s similarly-awesome mentor-bouncer—because becoming a bouncer is apparently a career one achieves through apprenticeship. It’s built a cult status mostly for its over-the-top sequences that include a human throat being torn out by hand, a monster truck being driven through a car dealership, and Swayze delivering the best monologue ever written. To see it done reimagined either straight-faced or willfully goofy is painful to even think about, but there is good news:

Please help these sad nobodies and: