‘Venom’ teaser is awfully short on Venom

“Everyone’s got their thing,” Tom Hardy intones in a New York tough guy voice he’s trying out. “Whatever it is, you used to be one thing… now, you’re something else.”

Vapid, ambiguous, and nearly meaningless, that opening voiceover at least does a good job setting the tone for the rest of this first Venom trailer. In the teaser, we see that Hardy plays a guy who had something happen to him. It may have involved a breakup with his girlfriend (Michelle Williams). But from the visuals, it just as likely may have involved a bodega, or a generic laboratory set. Whatever it was, it presumably will transform Hardy’s Eddie Brock into Venom, a villain-turned-antihero of the Spider-Man franchise (but in no way connected to our current Spider-Man movie franchise, naturally). If that’s the case, though, there’s scarcely a suggestion of it here; this thing looks as much like another Bourne reboot as a superhero origin story. The nebulous white “V” we get in place of a closing title must stand for “vague.”

Please help these sad nobodies and: