Warner Bros. is just gonna dump their whole 2021 lineup onto HBO Max

Happy birthday to me (literally)! And a not very happy day at all for theaters.

Warner Bros. today announced a change in their business model for 2021. You know how usually, with some big new movie, you’d pay a cinema to project that on a large screen for you and a bunch of other idiots? Well, that’s not what’s happening next year. For at least the next year, they’re just going to put all this shit on HBO Max, so you can watch it at home, with whatever level of cleanliness you’ve settled into.

As read the studio’s statement, “We’re living in unprecedented times which call for creative solutions,” which is a cute way of saying, “Screw off, exhibitors; if we can reliably get a steady $15 a month from people who otherwise see like two movies a year, we’re gonna take it. It sure as shit seems to be working for Netflix.”

So now Dune, The Matrix 4, Godzilla vs. Kong, Mortal Kombat, Those Who Wish Me Dead, The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It, In the Heights, Space Jam: A New Legacy, The Suicide Squad, Reminiscence, Malignant, The Many Saints of Newark, King Richard, Cry Macho, The Little Things, Judas and the Black Messiah, and Tom & Jerry will be available both in whatever theaters are open and on HBO Max, where they’ll stream for a month before reverting the usual model.

Anyway, should be cool when Tenet 2 is the only movie in the only remaining theater, and it’s all about a huffy Christopher Nolan going back in time to stop this.

Please help these sad nobodies and: