Andy Serkis to unleash the carnage of a needless Venom sequel

Rolling down the street like a turd in the wind and into the director’s chair, Andy Serkis has signed on to helm a sequel to last year’s most atrocious, inexplicable comic book hit, Venom.

Serkis reportedly got the job after beating out the likes of Travis Knight (Bumblebee) and Rupert Wyatt, the latter of whom directed him in acting like an armed chimp in Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Now, he has the responsibility of carrying out Venom’s after-the-credits tease of Woody Harrelson’s arrival as a terribly wigged Carnage.

We wish him luck in topping the original’s baffling number of bodega scenes, previously surpassed only by the number of coffee-stained fangs in Tom Hardy’s CG-tar-slathered head.

Please help these sad nobodies and: