Like all the best episodes of television, the latest Game of Thrones opens on a mass burning of corpses.
But after that, mourning the thousands lost, the smell of burnt flesh still in their shoulder-furs, the people of Winterfell decide to have a party in their dimly-lit cafeteria. Hooray!
After a toasting Arya, who single-handedly killed the Night King yet no one even acknowledges isn’t there, Daenerys is thinking she’ll get a real celebration afterward. She is, after all, the queen who did a really shit job planning out the battle that got them there. But instead, the accolades are all being handed to the reluctant king who did a really shit job planning out the battle that got them there: Jon Snow.
Everyone is loving this guy. All these Northerners are all telling him how he’s a great leader; how he befriended the Wildlings; how cool it was when he rode the dragon; how he looks cute with his beard and his nice hair; how he’s a little short but wears it well. Dany is annoyed, and it’s as visible as her nearby Starbucks cup. Her response? Show her power in the most shrug-worthy way possible: making Gendry Lord of Storm’s End.
Yeah, sure. Who cares? This thing ends in a couple episodes. We aren’t worried about how this turd deals with Storm’s End’s taxes and healthcare system.
Anyway, after getting his pointless promotion, Gendry becomes the only one to give Arya an in-person nod when he asks her to marry him. She’s not up for it, instead heading off to King’s Landing with her bad-boy friend The Hound. Presumably, Gendry soon becomes an incel.
Back at the cafeteria mixer, Brienne, her little fella, Jaime, and Tyrion are playing some kind of a Truth or Drink game, because they are now teenagers around a campfire. Tyrion correctly guesses that Brienne is a virgin, and she storms off. Instinctively, Jaime follows the smell of hair bleach to her quarters, and then she is no longer a virgin.
At some point, Jon Snow is wasted enough that he slinks off to his room to pass out. Bad news, bro: your girlfriend is here to put your drunk ass in your place. Dany is like, “Hey, so what I’m thinking is, never tell anyone how you’re the proper king.” He replies, “Sure, so I’ll just tell my siblings then…?”
Shortly after, he follows through on that clause. Jon Snow gathers Sansa, Arya, and, out of obligation, his increasingly disquieting younger brother to their childhood treehouse where the “house” is actually a dude’s face.
“Soooo,” Jon Snow begins, his little monster brother being like, “Yeah, go for it, bro. I’m not going to be the one to tell the very good secret we have.”
He is, though.
Though Sansa and Arya promised to never tell about how Jon Snow is fucking his aunt and it’s kind of weird, the former waits about a scene before spilling it to Tyrion.
Come on, Sansa.
Oh, jeez, and remember how Bronn was sent to kill Tyrion and Jaime a couple episodes ago? Well, he just inexplicably got into Winterfell with a crossbow, and the three have a completely tepid standoff.
Will Bronn kill one or both of them? Will one of them manage to kill Bronn, despite his having a weapon that’s not even really as good as a sword for close, rapid attacks? Will they do some Han-Lando shit, where Bronn chuckles and playfully laughs off the idea he would ever kill his old scoundrel friend(s)?
Like with Gendry earlier, it’s just more promising of land and lordship that is completely irrelevant to our dwindling episode count. Fucking hell.
Meanwhile, off at the gate of Winterfell, Jon Snow is being the most dismissive piece of shit. Tormund is like, “So, I guess I’ll see you never. I’m taking my people back to north of the now-demolished wall…”
“Yeah, thanks for the help with the merciless waves of undead,” Snow says. “But could you take my dog or whatever, too? He’s kind of not a character anymore. It was already strangely unclear if he survived the last fight after a shot of him charging in, and we’d rather not pay to render all his fur particles”
Tormund and Ghost have left the party.
Then Sam and Gilly come up and are likewise like, “I guess we survived and will also just leave and exist somewhere in the future. But we’re having a baby and we want to name it after you.”
And Jon is like, “Cool. Have a good drive.”
Sometime after the latest of so many strategizing scenes that lead to zero stratagem, Dany heads off with her dragons to burn the shit out of King’s Landing.
Turns out, as she’s flying up, she doesn’t notice how there are all these boats below her. Nor how these boats have these giant crossbow things. Nor how these guys in boats are able to shoot these giant crossbow things with pinpoint accuracy, while on waves, at flying targets. So the one dragon gets shot to shit in the most anticlimactic death since the time we thought a dragon may have already died last episode. Also, Missandei is inexplicably captured and held prisoner like she’s the goddamn Vice President.
Back at Winterfell, Jaime and Brienne have just fucked, and you can smell that stinky blonde sweat through your television. Unfortunately, their romance, sure to create a family of bad-ass Dolph Lundgrens, is cut short: he’s off to help Cersei.
“We could have created a Lundgren-style army, though,” Brienne says.
Jaime cops out like so many a dude. “Sorry! I’m just totally broken! You should have read it in my Tinder profile.”
And like that, he’s off. While at the same time. Or maybe later? Or—Christ, who the fuck knows anymore?—Dany, her troops, and advisors show up at King’s Landing. The respective Hands of the Queens have a brief showdown, wherein Tyrion basically begs Cersei’s side to surrender—even imploring her directly.
She does not surrender.
Instead, Cersei cuts off Missandei’s head.
Though Missandei was barely more than a personal assistant or something, this move ends up being an act of war. It sets up next week’s episode: some more bullshit where it’s a big, nonsensical fight, but now instead of being too dark, it’s an alarmingly sunny day filled with billowing clouds, like in the shitty CGI The Phantom Menace climax.
Oh! And sometime before then, Tyrion and Frank Black basically decided to betray the wedding-haired woman for the naïve lil’ hunk, so one of those latter two are definitely dying soon. Whups!