The Game of Thrones finale opens on Tyrion surveying what remains of King’s Landing. And, as with the series as a whole, there’s not much left, and it’s all pretty damn rough.
Except! You know the tunnels beneath the city, where Cersei and Jaime tried to escape? The ones that collapsed atop them? Those are actually in pretty good shape.
While last week’s penultimate episode suggested the taller Lannister siblings had been squashed into the blonde mush their ongoing incest would have eventually created, Tyrion’s venture into the tunnels proves otherwise. Turns out, Cersei and Jaime each just got clunked by a handful of falling bricks.
Tyrion mourns the loss of his siblings. God damn those 45 to 50 loose bricks that fell in a bad spot.
Up above these largely intact caverns that you were sure didn’t exist anymore, Jon Snow and Davos are having it out with Grey Worm. Wormy’s somehow still executing enemy soldiers, and Jon Snow and Davos are like, “Come on, man. These guys are on their knees. They’ll suck your dicks or whatever.”
But the Unsullied are those whose dicks cannot be sucked. And, sadly, these soldiers are doomed to worse than sucking Grey Worm’s worm.
Perhaps at his most sullen, which is saying a lot for him, Jon Snow moves on to meet with His Queen at a little speech she’s giving on the steps of the castle she’s made uninhabitable. Grey Worm already beat him there somehow, and does a good job hiding that he definitely must have ran. Tyrion is also there at this point, and he’s doing his best Jon Snow impression (i.e., sad).
Dany starts giving her motivational speech, and she’s really pumping up her army. But between cannoning out “Dan’s My Man” shirts into the crowd, she also mentions how her “liberation”-cum-genocide will continue into other cities—like Winterfell.
Jon Snow’s face says it all: “Shit, I know that place!”
Tyrion, already called out on letting his brother free to be crushed by a light sprinkling of bricks, resigns from being Dany’s Hany. He’s off to the jail that Daenerys thankfully didn’t blow to shit.
Jon Snow goes to visit him and Tyrion says what we’re all thinking, “Look, the character of Daenerys has been given an abrupt, radical character shift that doesn’t entirely play, but the implication is that she will kill you and your family and probably commit some more genocide, so you should probably murder her.”
“She is my queen,” the Jon Snow action figure says as one of his four programmed voice actions, “But hey, I’ll give it a think.”
Off in the Red Keep, Dany admires how she somehow didn’t hit the Iron Throne whatsoever when she was indiscriminately shooting dragonfire everywhere. If only Cersei had realized that she just needed to stop standing at the window drinking wine and instead have a seat, she’d have been fine. But now she’s the victim of an armful of bricks, so there’s no point looking back. You’ll just see more plot holes.
Soon after, Jon Snow joins HIS QUEEN. With Dany, like the rest of us, unable to tell whether Jon Snow is brooding or that’s just his face, she’s completely oblivious to how pissy he is.
She’s all, “Did you see that dragon I was riding fuck this shit up? Was that tits or what? Let’s rule this world, my tiny hunk!”
The two embrace; they have a kiss that isn’t really great; and Jon Snow stabs her in the heart. IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE. (One way is literal. The other is figurative.)
Sensing momma got hurt, the dragon flies up and spends all the remaining CGI budget on looking sorrowful, possibly again in mockery of Jon Snow. In its anger, or possible understanding of what the throne symbolically represents in man’s destructive and often just as self-destructive thirst for power, the dragon also melts the sword-chair. Because also now its breath is normal fire instead of fire that explodes the hell out of things.
After ruining the seating options, the oedipal dragon flies off with its mother, never to be seen again, outside one vague implication later.
Anyway, fast forward some indeterminate amount of time, because that way the writers (who are also the creators and directors, in this case) don’t have to worry about how any of the next scene came to pass.
The implication is that Grey Worm somehow learned that Jon Snow killed Daenerys. Instead of killing Jon Snow then and there, Grey Worm apparently jails him, then somehow calls together a special council of all the lords and ladies of Westeros—plus some key characters that have absolutely no reason at all to be there—then grants Tyrion five minutes to perform for them a monologue he has prepared. Just as the series has been building to!
The idea of this incongruous conference is to figure out who rules Westeros. Dany’s dead, and while Jon Snow is rightful heir, Grey Worm isn’t having it. Sam suggests a democratically elected leader, and it’s laughed off. Instead, they end up with some kind of oligarchic republic or something. (I’m not a poli-sci major, alright?) The idea: these kingdom leaders will vote on who should become their king or queen. This one guy we hardly know stands up to talk on it, and it’s like, “Sit the fuck down.” Tyrion has a better idea, though: Bran. Because it’s weird Bran is still a character but hasn’t been helpful whatsoever and had a really boring storyline that brought him here.
Tyrion, who wasn’t forced to actually watch Bran’s story as a b-line, claims Bran had the best story. He also says how Bran can become a bird and is basically omniscient, which must have been insane for all these other people who haven’t watched Bran’s tedious story.
Inexplicably, they’re all fine with everything about this.
Everyone is like, “Yeah, I’ll vote for the lanky teenager in a wheelchair who only speaks in dire, cryptic, single sentences. Seems like just what one would want in a king. I’m looking for a monarch who would smugly answer important civic questions with a Billy Corgan lyric he thought was deep.”
Ever the sensible one, Sansa is the one exception. She’s like, “I would actually like to be independent from my incredibly creepy younger brother who’s always saying how he’s seen ‘all porn that could ever exist.’”
Nepotism wins again, and no one cares. She’s independent and he’s the weirdest dude ever to be a king.
Thusly, Tyrion—who, again, is still a fucking prisoner at this point—crowns Westeros’s king to be “Bran the Broken. Like, the guy is so broken, though. I know I’m ‘The Imp’ or whatever, but have you guys seen how broken this guy is? Smash a mirror you’ll still not have as much broken as this guy’s got. So, just to reiterate, he is broken. He’s broken. Bran the Broken.”
“Yeah, no shit I should be King,” Bran replies. “But you have to be Hand again.”
Arya: “I should buy a boat.”
EPILOGUE (BY WHICH WE MEAN ABOUT 15 EPILOGUES, WHERE YOU KEEP THINKING IT’S THE FINAL SHOT BUT IT SOMEHOW NEVER IS)
Tyrion visits Jon Snow in jail, telling him, “Yeah, so you kind of have to go full circle here. Part of the deal was you have to return to the Night’s Watch, which is apparently sort of a pointless boot camp now?”
So, Jon Snow heads to Night’s Watch, Sansa heads off to be Queen of the North, Arya takes her gap year abroad, and Bran becomes King with weird ease.
Meanwhile, Brienne is off editing Jaime Lannister’s Wikipedia page. She could have been petty about it, but instead she’s almost pathetic in trying to make him sound decent. As she closes the Wikipedia book, the camera focuses on its cover, and every person watching thinks, “I swear to god, if this show ends with the cover of the book saying Game of Thrones, I’m going to fucking scream.”
Thankfully, it doesn’t. Because they save that for THE NEXT SCENE.
Tyrion is having the first table meeting with all the known dipshit cronies he hired to run the entire goddamn continent. Sam, now the Minister of Being the Guy in a Robe, pulls out a book.
“Here’s the story of all the increasingly stupid crap that happened in this series,” he explains. “It’s called A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE. Get it? Like how the book franchise is titled?”
[Human screeching across the globe]
The camera slowly pulls out on the conference table as its final shot, when…
Oh, no, wait. It wasn’t at all. There are actually numerous other fades to black, gates coming down, and other scenes that surely seem like endings to come!
It’s about 20 minutes later when the ending finally does come. Jon Snow enters the Night’s Watch. His dog he abandoned and his only friend he abandoned are there and unduly forgiving of him. They all fuck off back up into the high North.
Jon Snow was meant to be left to a celibate, militant life in his punishment. But the Game of Thrones is as generous as it often is cruel. And that guy’s totally going to fuck another Wildling.