In its first trailer, Fantasy Island doesn’t look like a fantasy at all! So that’s ironic!

Now over 30 years since it left television, Fantasy Island doesn’t exactly hold a hell of a lot of pop-cultural cachet. It’s a relic of which few below their 50s will remember at all, save for supporting star Hervé Villechaize’s iconic catchphrase: “Ze plane! Ze plane!” And a good portion of that group remember it more as a series of Dunkin’ Donuts commercials.

So it’s strange that Blumhouse Productions (or anyone else, for that matter) has bothered to turn Fantasy Island into a feature film. Stranger yet: that the creative team responsible for the inept, toothless Truth or Dare were given the title to do with as they pleased. But what’s not surprising at all is that they turned it into yet another of Blumhouse’s thin horror-thrillers.

Here Michael Peña has replaced Ricardo Montalbán as Mr. Roarke, a man dedicated to running a “fantasy island” expressly meant to disappoint anyone rightfully expecting non-stop orgies. There, guests can experience their greatest fantasies. And in the case of this reboot, now the fantasies often lead to hellish nightmares—and they’re just as often incredibly lame.

Like, Lucy Hale, who seems to be the lead—her “fantasy” is to exact revenge on a high school bully? Jeez. Grow up, lady. Fuck a centaur or something.

Also, it seems that instead of having a very small French man announce the airplane’s arrival, now Mr. Roarke has Parisa Fitz-Henley do it. Her “ze plane!” equivalent is “the plane; it’s here,” which honestly is not as catchy.

Anyone excited to see more can check it out when Fantasy Island hits theaters February 14, right alongside Sonic the Hedgehog. Who needs an island when we already such a Valentine’s Day fantasy???

Please help these sad nobodies and: