Sonic the Hedgehog looks about right, in that it looks completely wrong

The first poster for Paramount’s Sonic the Hedgehog has debuted, teasing the film-ready new look for the character. And, of course, it’s completely misguided.

Eschewing the title character’s cartoonish origins, birthed by someone who had clearly never actually seen a hedgehog, this new take seems designed to bring Sonic into a muddled reality—a middle-ground of existence; a grotesque human-hog begging to be killed despite never fully coming into the light.

Most obvious, there’s the fact now has a muscular, athletic body fully covered in blue fur. It’s not that having scrawny, hairless, gloved arms made any more sense logically. But when a character is already to so abstracted as to have their face bisected by a single sclera with two pupils rattling around within, to decide on powerful, toned calves is at least overthinking things.

Oh, and about Sonic’s weirdly iconic mono-eye thing? That may well be gone, too. Close inspection of the poster suggests two bulbous, more truly animal eyes bringing the character further into a not-quite-reality no one asked for.

Strangely, for as much as the awful new eyes seem to aim for the glassy look of an actual hedgehog, Sonic’s back of spines now actually takes him further from hedgehog-kind. It’s just a weird hairstyle now.

And don’t worry: you know how everyone was always concerned that Sonic’s shoes were clownish monk-straps? Well, now they’re exceedingly realistic running shoes—just as someone known only as “the producer of The Fast and the Furious” would demand.

But, way to go, Paramount. After decades of insanely sexualized Sonic the Hedgehog fan drawings, you’ve finally created the uncomfortably humanoid version where it’s actually weirder not to see his dick.

Please help these sad nobodies and: