It’s been a full episode and seemingly multiple days since Mandalorian rescued Baby Yoda, and still the bounty hunter has yet to change a diaper. And if you’ve seen Adult Yoda, you know that this creature is going to have some absolutely wretched turds.
But Mandalorian has no time for a slapstick changing scene this episode, either. He’s got a very high-end stroller to turn in for his bounty.
So Mandalorian heads back to Apollo Creed, who reminds him that he was not the quest-giver. Jeez, check your journal, Mando; obviously you have to return Baby Yoda to Werner Herzog.
Upon seeing his prize of Baby Yoda, Werner Herzog repeats a hushed “yes” about a dozen times, which is possibly the most excited Herzog has ever seemed.
“To the winner go the spoils,” Herzog proclaims. And judging by the canister he pulls out, it would seem the spoils are homemade ice cream.
Those aren’t the spoils though. The spoils are, of course, more of those graphite candy bars Mandalorian gets smelted into armor pieces. By how many there are, the dude can probably re-armor his whole body and still have enough left over for a codpiece. Because if Boba Fett had a codpiece, so can you, buddy.
Anyway, Herzog’s crony, who may or may not be cosplaying Dhalsim in the 1994 Street Fighter movie, starts taking off with Baby Yoda, and we get another glimmer of Mandalorian caring.
“What are you going to do with it,” Mandalorian asks. “Please, just assure me it’s not child sex slavery, selling him to a Yoda fetishist who is also a pedophile.”
Herzog is like, “Don’t worry about it,” and Mandalorian shrugs it off.
Soon after, back at Mandalorian HQ, which is about 200 square-feet, our lead Mandalorian saunters in with his ice cream maker full of his metal smartphones. Even through their helmets, you can tell all the other Mandalorians are like, “Fuuuuuuuuck. This guy has so many metal smartphones!”
As Mandalorian is delivering them to Mandalorian Smithy, Burly Mandalorian approaches him. He’s like, “Similar to Nazi gold, the loss of Mandalorian riches to this evil empire is actually a complicated political issue, and the redistribution of this wealth… yada, yada, yada.” Mandalorian Prime has heard enough of this guy’s shit, and the two have it out in what ends up being a pretty lame fight to the death. It’s more of a “fight to the Beat It music video knife fight dance pose.”
The two end up making amends when Mandalorian confirms that he has maintained his religion’s strict circumcision doctrine: never remove the helmet, nor let anyone else do it.
That settled, Mandalorian Smithy gets on with making the new armor.
“What messed up your old fit so bad,” she asks, and he says it was a mudhorn (see episode two, true believers!).
She responds, “Oh, so should I make this entirely mudhorn themed? Since you like mudhorns so much, I could cover this with mudhorns, and you will be known as the mudhorn guy.”
Mandalorian is like, “You know, maybe it’s fine if you don’t put a disgusting rhino-boar thing on my armor. It’s a long story, but please do not do that.”
THIS IS THE WAY, the crowd chants, referring to the way their people traditionally get out of idiotic design motifs.
It’s also kind of weird how these other dudes just keep lurking as she’s making the armor, but there doesn’t seem to be a lot to do in Mandalorian HQ, so whatever.
These guys all watch as Smithy forges the armor, giving the Mandalorian the crest of WHISTLING BIRDS. Honestly, it sounds even lamer than the mudhorn, but apparently it comes with some kind of little dart things.
It should be a time of stoic celebration for Mandalorian, but like last time he was at this armory, the pounding of the blacksmith’s hammer has given him PTSD. With each crash, he’s brought back to his childhood, when his family’s village got attacked and his parents crammed him in a dumpster or something.
Two more missions completed, Mandalorian heads back to Carl Weathers for his next quest. Entering Weathers’ haunt, he is really swinging dong with how cool his new armor looks. Everyone is noticing. They can’t help but notice! This guy definitely has the biggest dick in the bounty hunter locker room.
Weathers gives Mandalorian a new chip, sending the bounty hunter off to nab some asshole Admiral Ackbar-looking moron. But before he leaves, Mandalorian can’t help but ask: “Seriously, it wasn’t a child sex slave thing, right? I’ve seen SVU. It was weird to give this old guy an infant.”
“Not really our business, Mando” Carl Weathers more or less says in a way that may or may not be racist to Mandalorians, and Mandalorian heads back to his ship. Mandalorian is about to take off, too, when he notices that his throttle’s arcade joystick is missing its little top ball thing.
“Oh, yeah, Baby Yoda removed that in an earlier scene that was quite cute,” he recalls. “I guess I should just go ahead and find out what’s going on with him.”
So Mandalorian heads back to House of Herzog, where he uses his rifle’s bonus upgrade that listens to conversations through walls. From a nearby rooftop, he hears Herzog’s plans: “Suck his Force energy out of him! And will I suck him off and kill him afterward? Let’s not worry about that. Whether this is a child sex crime or not is for the NYPD to decide.”
Also, perhaps reminded of his own childhood being tossed in a dumpster or whatever, Mandalorian checks Herzog’s dumpster. Inside? That floating pram. So unless Herzog quietly had a Babybjörn ready, this kid is not leaving the place. It’s time for some Mandaloriaction.
Mandalorian just absolutely ruins Herzog Haus—really showing off his arsenal, too. He pulls out the blaster, the grappling gun thing, the blaster, the flame thrower, the blaster, the electricity prod thing on the end of the rifle… the blaster.
But despite really fucking up the Werner Compound, Mandalorian ends up surrounded in… a parking garage or something? Anyway, though the Smithy specifically said how rare the whistling birds were, ten minutes later Mandalorian is deploying them. It turns out they’re pretty cool little homing missile things, but still. Wasteful, Mandalorian. For being such a video game character, you should know to save all the scarce, cool items and never end up using them, beating the game with them still stacked in your inventory.
Anyway, now it’s John Wick. By stealing Baby Yoda back, Mandalorian now has every bounty hunter in the bar—which is turns out is a surprising number of bounty hunters—after him.
The bounty hunter crew, led by Carl Weathers, traps Mandalorian in a street, and Mandalorian takes refuge in a speeder-cart and hauls ass out of there.
He’s killing a bunch of these idiots when Weathers realizes he should just shoot the droid that’s driving the cart instead of the guy in the ten-thousand-dollar armor. Mandalorian is trapped! And though he’s clearly the best bounty hunter, especially compared to this guy who looks like Darth Maul without the face paint, he seems doomed.
Whup! Not so fast! Those prior Mandalorians are here to save the day!
Burly Mandalorian, who was the real asshole to Mandalorian earlier, now has this awesome laser chain gun thing. And maybe he just started a race war?
“You know, you guys definitely just gave away how we have a secret Mandalorian private club here,” Mandalorian says.
“It’s fine,” Burly Mandalorian says, “It was pretty much just a hallway leading to a foundry. You can get this set up in Minecraft within an hour.”
With the help of his fellow helmet zealots, Mandalorian escapes to his spaceship—but there’s Carl Weathers! And unfortunately for him, this is his Rocky II… II. He’s getting up, but he isn’t winning this one. The guy is outgunned by Mandalorian and left to die on the space tarmac. But it’s fine, because Weathers remembered the tired cliché of having something really hard in your breast pocket to deflect the otherwise mortally wounding shot. He’ll be back!
Mandalorian starts to fly off in his ship when this other Mandalorian zooms up next to him. In a jetpack! AND HE SALUTES HIM! And it’s great, because finally The Mandalorian has a scene as hilariously laugh-out-loud stupid as every other Star Wars entry.
Before giving Baby Yoda back the arcade stick ball it loves so much, Mandalorian does his best Gary Oldman impression. That’s pretty stupid too.