Alright, so we’re behind on the House of the Dragon recap, but since this is the finale, let’s just do it quick and dirty.
We start the episode off with that eye-slashing Dumb Lil’ Boy being all, “I shouldn’t be the new Sea Snake, mom! I’m just Dumb Lil’ Boy!” And she is like, “It’s fine. Give the show an hour and this will sort itself out.”
Straight after, we get a real pile-on of soapy operatics for Rhaenyra. Queen’t blasts into a meeting and reveals to Rhaenyra: her father is dead, and his jackoff son has already been installed as the new king. Then Rhaenyra has a miscarriage while she’s declaring that she’s the rightful heir to the throne. Helluva day.
While Rhaenyra is off miscarrying, Doctor Who and his boys realize that while the wife’s away, it’s a great time to play an incredibly dull game of Axis & Allies. They’re all moving their playboard trinkets around, determining alliances, when Larger Boy comes in to say that our newly-crowned queen has said to calm the gents down with all their gaming in the basement. She’s trying to have a miscarriage upstairs!
Ultimately, she succeeds.
Hey, and remember those bearded ponytail twins who look like they work at an artisanal brewery? Rhys Ifans hired them to go to the KID FIGHTS district and find Jackoff last episode. Anyway, one now shows up to swear his fealty to this new queen and bring her a crown. Seems pretty suspect, but who’s gonna turn down a free crown?
Queen Rhaenyra is crowned, and everyone on the isle kneels to her—except Queen’t, who just makes a face that’s like, “I sort of respect you’re being this lady ruler but I’m also not all that happy because I still think you murdered my gay son.”
Shortly after, the men go back to playing Axis & Allies in the basement, and again Rhaenyra has to be like, “Please, stop playing war games. It’s not board game day yet.”
Regardless of the day, this one is soon interrupted by the arrival of Rhys Ifans. He, Rhaenyra, and Doctor Who have a little meeting on the very dramatic, very narrow stone bridge, where Ifans is basically like, “Look, just relinquish your queendom and we’ll let you keep this very dramatic bridge area and call it a day.” Doctor isn’t having it, but Rhaenyra is like, “I’ll sleep on it.”
Doctor Who is so upset about this that he immediately gets caught on camera being a domestic abuser. Not cool, Who.
But on to Sea Snake! Turns out, he’s not even dying that much. He’s just laid out in bed, and for dramatic effect, needs a cane to hobble around. He has a little bedside chat with his Queen’t and ultimately decides to back Rhaenyra’s claim to the crown, suggesting he could force an embargo whereby he blocks the main trade route to King’s Landing. They call this sly fucker “Sea Snake” for a reason, and it isn’t his perpetually wet penis.
Well, it could be mostly because of that, but in this case, it’s because he’s being real devious in regards to the sea.
Still, more allies are needed to make this work as a legit blockade, so, at Larger Boy’s behest, Rhaenyra sends him and Dumb Lil’ Boy on dragonback to deliver very dramatic requests for loyalty to the North.
Larger Boy is sent maybe to the Starks or something (who can keep track?), while Dumb Lil’ Boy is sent to House Baratheon. This ends up being a bad idea!
DL’B flies over to House Baratheon—and who’s there but fuckin’ Eyepatch. Eyepatch has seemingly already been betrothed to one of the Baratheon girls, so the already-engaged-to-his-second-cousin(?) Lil’ Boy’s plea for loyalty falls on deaf ears. He’s send packing—but not before Eyepatch reminds him, “Yo, you still owe me an eye, motherfucker!”
Also, now Eyepatch’s missing eye is this cool blue marble? Would swear the entire thing was stitched shut when the eye was slashed out, but WHATEVER.
Eyepatch is so pissed to see Dumb Lil’ Boy that, when the little shit leaves, he pursues him on his own, vastly larger dragon.
THINGS GET A LITTLE OUT OF HAND.
Dumb Lil’ Boy’s dumb lil’ dragon freaks out and breathes fire on the big ol’ dragon—an objectively stupid move regardless of the enemy dragon’s size. As if they care about fire!
That big ol’ dragon is not at all happy about it, and bites that fucker—Dumb Lil’ Boy and all—in half.
Again, things got a little out of hand!
Soon after, somehow Rhaenyra gets the news that, no, her boy didn’t just get struck by lightning or whatever while riding home in a storm, as could have easily been feigned. This was a declaration of war.
It’s time to play Axis & Allies for real.