Puppet becomes a real buuuuuu-dy in Lionsgate’s bleak Pinocchio trailer

Disney has their Tom Hanks-fueled live-action Pinocchio on the way. Netflix has the charms of Guillermo del Toro’s stop-motion take on the tale coming this December. But Lionsgate will beat them to the punch next month with Pinocchio: A True Story, a new spin on the classic with a not-at-all-modern spin: Pinocchio is Pauly fucking Shore.

See for yourself, and hear to your own astonished disbelief, with the trailer above.

Beyond casting the 54-year-old self-proclaimed weasel as a wooden boy, Pinocchio: A True Story doubles down on one-note comedy relics with Jon Heder in the role of this horse Pinocchio rides around on. The whole thing seems like a relic itself, too, some pop culture-filled post-Shrek response so bad that it’s been on a shelf for 15 years waiting for the zeitgeist to make its way back Pinocchio’s way. Dismal-looking thing.

Why does puppet Pinocchio already possess weird human eyes and hair? Perhaps answers will come when Pinocchio: A True Story hits on-demand and DVD March 22.

Please help these sad nobodies and: