Release dates are constantly shifting and difficult to keep track of, so please comment with any known issues or sad disappointments from trying to watch something.
December 2
Sr. – Robert Downey Jr., Paul Thomas Anderson, Alan Arkin, and other discuss the life of RDJ’s father, finally answering whether Dominic Cooper or John Slattery did a better job portraying him. (Netflix)
Violent Night – Starring John Leguizamo, Beverly D’Angelo, and Vice Principals standout Edi Patterson, with David Harbour as old Saint Nick himself, it’s not the first time a Santa has been part of a violent action-comedy, but somehow it got away with the more clever title than Silent Night, Deadly Night. (Theaters)
December 9
Empire of Light – Olivia Colman in a Sam Mendes-directed ‘80s period romance shot by Roger Deakins and with a score by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross? Ticking a lot of boxes, folks! And it also takes place in an old cinema, continuing Colman’s tradition of getting horny at the movies? Yes, but unfortunately, it’s supposedly not that great. (Theaters)
Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio – Del Toro’s darker, far more stylish answer to Robert Zemeckis’s lazy adaptation can finally be watched in the home, with your own self-constructed effigy of a young boy. (Netflix)
Spoiler Alert – A Michael Showalter-directed film co-written by Dan Savage sounds like the makings of a fun sex comedy. Instead, it’s about a man watching his husband die of cancer over the course of a year. Not very fun at all, turns out.
December 16
Avatar: The Way of Water – The biggest movie of all time is back—and now it’s wetter and wilder! Wait, not wilder. Longer. So much longer. (Theaters)
Bardo, False Chronicle of a Handful of Truths – Seven years since The Revenant, Alejandro G. Iñárritu is back with a movie that sounds like a Bart-centric Simpsons episode title translated five times over and back. Critics have, unfortunately, also called this Avatar counterprogramming far too long, so you’re gonna be sitting around a while whichever you choose. (Netflix)
December 21
Puss in Boots: The Last Wish – Not only are they somehow still putting Shrek spinoff sequels in theaters, now they’ve got Florence Pugh, Olivia Colman, Ray Winstone, and John Mulaney to join Antonio Banderas and co. in one. Shrek came out in 2001; why is this already then-adult cat not dead yet? (Theaters, somehow)
December 23
Babylon – Damien Chazelle has got Brad Pitt, Margot Robbie, Diego Calva, Jovan Adepo, Li Jun Li, Jean Smart, Lukas Haas, Olivia Wilde, Spike Jonze, Max Minghella, Flea, Samara Weaving, and a fantastically ghoulish-looking Tobey Maguire in a movie about the shift from silent films to talkies. Booooo! Talkies! (Theaters)
Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery – Good news if you’ve avoided finding out who killed whom since the Knives Out sequel’s theatrical release in November: now you can find out yourself while eating in your underwear on your grotesque couch. (Netflix)
I Wanna Dance with Somebody – Merry Christmas, Bobby Brown! It’s a 142-minute Whitney Houston biopic!
The Pale Blue Eye – Remember that trend like a decade ago where people kept trying to make movies and series where Houdini or Arthur Conan Doyle or whoever investigated crimes with someone? Few saw the light of day, but, very belatedly, one is finally making it to the screen. Christian Bale is going to help a young Edgar Allan Poe solve a murder! Why not! (Theaters, and on Netflix January 6)
Women Talking – No, it’s not a new CBS sitcom about a trio of 40-something divorcées and their after-work boozy chats. It’s a new Sarah Polley drama in which Rooney Mara, Claire Foy, and Jessie Buckley play women from an isolated Mennonite colony, where they’ve been drugged and raped for years. So don’t be flippant about it, alright? (Theaters)
December 25
A Man Called Otto – It’s the one where Tom Hanks is doing a crotchety, unfunny Curb Your Enthusiasm thing in a bizarre housing and storage compound in Anytown, USA—and it looks insufferable! (Theaters)
Roald Dahl’s Matilda The Musical – Remember Matilda the book and Matilda the movie? Well, here’s the version that’s a musical. It’s right there in the title. (Netflix)
December 30
White Noise – Written and directed by Noah Baumbach, the dark comedy sees Adam Driver and Greta Gerwig dealing with an apocalyptic event and, more direly, Michael Keaton erasure. (Netflix)
